Fox’s “10 Wow-’em green gifts under $25”

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’
~Dave Barry, “Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”

Huffington Post makes my life as a blogger almost too easy.

“My family is doing a grab bag for our holiday party this year, and I need to buy something under $25. Any ideas for something sustainable but cool? They’re always ragging on me for being a tree hugger.

-Sasha”

You know what I did this year for this exact type of event? I’d collected a number of Bath and Body Works coupons they’d sent to me (and everyone else in my apartment complex) for a free travel-size body wash or lotion. Over the course of the promotion, I picked up six of the little bastards for free. Got a small gift bag, and voila! Almost-free gift for the gift swap. And why is she calling her family’s Christmas celebration a “party?” My family does not do Christmas parties. They’re…uh. Get-togethers. You know, where the adults get drunk and make a scene and everyone laughs at them for it and no one goes to church because Grandma died and no one else cares. But I digress.

Well, Jennifer Grayson decides to help Sasha by attempting to find her some “green” gifts that are supposed to also be “cool.” For under $25. Well, she failed on two accounts, in my not-so-humble opinion. Let’s help Sasha and Jennifer out, shall we?

1.
Jennifer suggests: Mark Bittman’s “The Food Matters Cookbook.”
Fox suggests: A used copy of Michael Pollan’s “In Defense of Food.”
Trendy people suggest: Steig Larsson’s “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”

2.
Jennifer suggests: Greenaid Seedbomb set.
Fox suggests: One of those rosemary plants made up to look like a Christmas tree.
Trendy people suggest: NOT EITHER OF THESE.

3.
Jennifer suggests: Nicobell Vegan Organic Bamboo Truffles.
Fox suggests: Making your own, preferably with amaretto.
Trendy people suggest: Either, as long as there’s plenty to go around.

4.
Jennifer suggests: Organic Microbrew Collection.
Fox suggests: Finding someone who sells beer made locally and buying a six pack from them.
Trendy people suggest: Twenty-five dollar Starbucks giftcard.

5.
Jennifer suggests: ‘God Hates Bags’ bag.
Fox suggests: A tote bag procured from Goodwill and decorated by a five-year-old female relative.
Trendy people suggest: Gucci. Twenty-five dollar limit, guys…

6.
Jennifer suggests: Terracycle Starburst speakers.
Fox suggests: CD’s from Goodwill.
Trendy people suggest: Twenty-five dollar iTunes giftcard.
Fox alternatively suggests: Twenty-five dollar Amazon mp3 store giftcard. Fuck iTunes.

7.
Jennifer suggests: National Geographic Subscription.
Fox suggests: Old NatGeo issues from…where? GOODWILL! :D
Trendy people suggest: A subscription to Playboy for the look on their face when they open the box.

8.
Jennifer suggests: PeopleTowels gift set.
Fox suggests: Sneaking into their house, stealing some towels that have been long since forgotten, and packaging them up with a note that says “USE US, MOTHERFUCKER.”
Trendy people suggest: A snuggie.

9.
Jennifer suggests: BeadforLife Katogo Bangles.
Fox suggests: MOAR GOODWILL.
Trendy people suggest: Anything from Charming Charlie.

10.
Jennifer suggests: Green Sheep Shop gift certificate.
Fox suggests: Buying yarn from someone on Etsy.
Trendy people suggest: Skipping the yarn and buying the crocheted hat on Etsy.

Or, you can do as Jennifer does, and pledge to your giftee that you will go on a “technology break” for a single hour every day. Which just goes to show that she’s our typical techno-obsessed white-collar greenie…I’m offline for eight hours a day…it’s called “work.” And then another eight hours a day that’s called “I’m fucking asleep and if you wake me up I will murder you.” And just so you know, Jennifer, that present ain’t gonna cut the mustard once your daughter grows old enough to realize that Christmas=people buying me shit. And that will happen…usually about the time they enter public schooling.

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